Short Notice

I prefer not to send messages to you anymore. You know why? I'm tired of saying my sentiments over and over and yet I don't get a reply from you. Well, what do I expect? I know you won't reply if you're being nagged about everything. Who wants that anyway?

I apologize for everything. If my sentiments made you mad or caused you pain. Perhaps I just want you to know that I am really hurting with the set up. I kept on saying everything to you hoping that you will somehow, do a way to ease even a little of my pain. Its hard to go on carrying all the burden of you leaving just like that. I hate you for not being considerate of my feelings. But above all, I hate myself cause I haven't done anything to stop you from doing this to me.

 

I'm sorry for loving you so much. . .

I know you don't want me to be like this. You knew me well. But not much. Cause you didn't know that I will crawl if you leave me.

 

 

oKAYE I have to KAT the REZAH.. (okay I have to cut the rest)

Used to walk with heads high

With smile for everyone

As if the world is so light

And everybody is in love

Black smoke came

With lies messing my head

Suddenly I can’t breathe

And nothing’s left for me

You pushed me away

You pushed me away

You pushed me away

Still remember the look in your face

When you denied all your mess

Though we were happy you made your plans

See now your conscience will never be at peace

You pushed me away

You pushed me away

You pushed me away

I will stand with my knees bleeding

With my tears falling

Even my heart’s breaking

You and I will never be

I am Stating My State - Recovered 2010

Should I HOLD ON or should I MOVE ON? I guess frequent question being asked by people who were deeply hurt. If you would pose this to somebody, she would answer you subjectively depending upon the situation. I have tried to ask this question to my friends for couple of times. They would give me the answer of moving on instead of holding back. I guess they have arrived on that decision because they recognize how I have been through for the past 6 months. Yes it is already 6 months since my heart got broken. And, I must admit, up until now, I am still hurting.

I am TRAPPED by my current state. My MIND says that I should move on. I was deeply hurt. Must have been fate that I do not deserve as what they say. People are hauling me towards new life; a life without my past; a life that is totally new. They said that enough is enough. What happened serves as a period for my past relationship, a lesson for a better me and a gate pass for my future relationship. Indeed, all of what they are saying is true. Maybe I should move on. I should give up this powerful feeling that I have for my past. It will do no good anymore and I will surely get hurt again. Besides, after all the pain that I have been through, it’s not fair for me to go back and disregard my attempts to move on. Enough reasons to carry on as I chose the path of pursuing my life without the person. Yes, it is not apposite to continue the relationship because it is TOO LATE to make up and TOO PAINFUL to forget painful experiences entirely.

As I try to go on, I realized that I am fooling myself. I am convincing myself that I have given up and I am moving on. Yes, I am telling everyone that I chose to live without the person and I am trying so hard to make myself okay. But then I realized that I am holding on to a fist of HATRED over what happened and ANGER towards the person who broke my heart. I am inspired to make a better me. I am motivated to bring out a change so that I can prove that I am BETTER OFF without the person.

For a while it ran that way. A lot of CHANGES became visible. Some people whom I bumped along the way say that I am different from what I used to be. I do not know if they mean that I am better or I became worst. Whatever meaning they want to entail, I am satisfied because indeed, there was a change in me. I continued on the way that I thought will help me move on. Until such time that I realized that I am getting tired. I do not know where it came from. It’s as if there is a part in my heart that speaks of tiredness over what I am doing. Why is it had to be in that way? If my gestures were normal for a person who is COPING UP for a loss of a loved one, then why is it that at some point, I felt tired? I felt that it was a struggle for me; somewhat, to satisfy people and of course, myself.

I processed everything. What went wrong? What part of my moving on made me tired? I have realized that it is the hatred and anger that I am holding on. During a retreat that I have attended last month, the retreat master of mine said that “let go of the anger and the hatred, it’s what keeps you from being stocked.” Maybe he is right. I cannot say that I am allowing myself to fully move on, because i'm still holding the grudge over the person. I am trying to change myself so that I can prove to that person that I can go on my own. In simpler words, I am doing this for the person and not for myself. So, this might be the reason why I got tired. Right there and then I changed my track. Why not let go of the grudge? It will do no harm anyway? So I did. I allowed myself to forgive; something that I am preventing myself because I am offended much. I have forgiven the person and for quite some time, I held no hard feelings at all.

Now I am seeing a clearer path. I guess I am really taking no hold of the relationship anymore. I am simply allowing myself to be healed and get back on my feet.

Unfortunately, along the way I found myself caught up with a further problem. I have forgiven the person. I let go of the grudge. But as I try to clear my heart from pain, love is again filling it up. My feeling for the person inhabits the spacious space of my heart making me in love with the person once more. This is a BIGGER problem right? I am again, falling in love with the person and I found myself longing again. And what’s worst is the thought of going back to prolong the already concluded relationship pinches my mind. I have the feeling that I will be happy when I give US a second chance and my lost heart will find its home again.

This is my CURRENT STATE which I am STATING TO YOU, my patient reader. I hope I could resolve this problem same as I did on the first. If you think you have a helpful suggestion, please feel free to share it with me and others who can relate as well. In times like this, I admit I am no one, I cannot go on alone and I desperately need your help. Thank you very much for allotting time for this blog. ‘til next time….


-Jam

QUIZ: HOW SMART ARE YOU?

READ this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them
ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.




scroll down...














ANSWER
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average
intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four,
you're above average. If you got five, you can turn
your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are
a genius. There is no catch.



- http://users.erols.com/geary/psychology/assessment.htm

CHANGE

Some may find it hard to accept CHANGE whether the command is from OTHERS, from YOU or from the CIRCUMSTANCE itself. So then, why do we need to change?

We change because of OTHERS. We might have failed to meet the expectations of other people. We change because it is dictated; requested and asked from us. This type of CHANGE is somewhat healthy because we are being helped to make the most out of US; because OTHER people believe that we can be better of OURSELVES and that they can see a potential for our FURTHER GROWTH. In some way, this type of CHANGE might not result from a good one because we are OBLIGED to do so. Just like an adolescent being asked to buy a bottle of vinegar at the nearest store while indulging on his/her favorite television show. This type of CHANGE can happen or not happen depending on the will of the individual.

Another type of CHANGE comes from a personal choice. It is YOU who desired for it; there is no pressure and that you willingly volunteered yourself to make a CHANGE. Why is this so? Some people desire to make a change because they find in themselves that they are not being suitable for a thing; or that they are not what they are suppose to be. This for me is good because it is a self-realization and that the person is capable of comprehending and assessing his/herself. When does this type of CHANGE go wrong? This type of CHANGE will lead an individual to a worst condition if the choice for CHANGE comes from a grudge from hate or from anger. People desire CHANGE because they fail on something and that they want to get BETTER of whom they were before. Most people fall from this type of CHANGE when they want to PROVE themselves to others or to something which once made them less capable.

The last type of CHANGE comes from CIRCUMSTANCES which we might encounter often or seldom. This type of CHANGE comes when a certain situation demands that you do what you should. This type of CHANGE does not come from OTHER people instead from SITUATIONS that we either can or cannot accept. Most of us want to indulge ourselves to something and yet we cannot because it does not FIT our system. Just like good apparel that we want to have yet, we cannot because our size does not fit the clothes itself. What do we do? It is either we go on a diet or we find another one that will fit our size.

Whatever CHANGE you want, we must put to mind that it should ALWAYS BE FOR THE GOOD of OTHERS and for the BETTERMENT of YOU as an INDIVIDUAL.

Let me ask you, what type of CHANGE will you take?

-jam =)

Dead Ends-Detours-Main Road

DEAD ENDS will always come your way

DEAD ENDS that will make you surrender the FLAG

DEAD ENDS that will make you STOP and QUIT the FIGHT

Go on and let this thought PASS you by

BUT don’t be CONTENTED with what you GOT

Somewhat, GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY

Get back and come up with DETOURS

At the end there will be one DETOUR that will be WORTH your TRY

THE DETOUR that will LEAD YOU back to the MAIN ROAD

THE DETOUR that will LET you be on the GAME AGAIN

FITTER, SMARTER and BRAVER than whom YOU WERE BEFORE

-jam =)